After I got my PhD I was ready to enjoy the experience of a daytime job. I felt my duty upon society and started working at a film production company. At the beginning it was all fun. It gave me the chance to wear all those lovely office outfits I always dreamed of, the internet connection worked great and I didn’t have to pay for my phone calls. But after a while I found out that they wanted me to do some serious work.

Don’t get me wrong, Doc Nancy is a hard working woman and knows how to deal with the struggles of life but this office hell was just too much. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. Thus, I quit the job and live on unemployment benefit now. This is great because I have enough time again for another mathematical life counseling session.

Just let me know if you have any problems. No matter if they are work, family, love life or sexual issues. I can give you a mathematical answer for all of those. Just post your questions in the comments. No matter how deep your problems are, Doc Nancy can help.

OK OK OK I HAVE A PROFESSIONAL QUESTION FOR DOC REFRENDAR NANCY! I’M A TEACHER. THERE ARE 27 STUDENTS IN MY CLASS. LAST WEEK, THEY HAD TO WORK IN GROUPS OF THREE. THERE WERE SIX STUDENTS MISSING. THIS WEEK, THE WORK CONTINUES, BUT OTHER STUDENTS WILL BE MISSING. SHALL I PUT THE 6 MISSING STUDENTS FROM LAST WEEK INTO THE GROUPS MISSING STUDENTS THIS WEEK OR LET THEM FORM 2 NEW GROUPS, WHO WILL BE 1 WEEK BEHIND? ALSO, I FORCED SEVERAL STUDENTS TO WORK TOGETHER LAST WEEK WHO DIDN’T LIKE EACH OTHER, ALTHOUGH THEY WERE CUTE. ONLY ONE OF MY STUDENTS IS REALLY ANNOYING. THE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE IN 15 DAYS.

hey uwe, it seems that you know some of my little secrets, although i don’t know you at all. how is that possible? do you stalk me? that would be so exciting! please let me know if you have secretly taken picture of me, i look great at.

but now to your question: first of all let me congratulate you, that you formed the groups according to cuteness rather than personal affections. it is so important that students learn to be cute! i suggest that you put the 6 students in the groups with students missing. otherwise the 6 students wouldn’t have a fair chance to get there work done in time. the distribution of the 6 students should be done be by some sort of casting show (students idol) where you are the judge. that’s fun for the whole class. but make sure that you are one of those lovely judges, full of compassion. just like sabrina setlur, when she did popstars in germany.

btw: this morning i saw the new video of sabs setlur “i think i like it”. she is rapping to the tunes of “sunglasses at night”. is she the german tiga? i am really reluctant about this but i still love sabs!

Dear Dr. N. could you please:

A) Discuss how to solve word problems involving math, time and money

focusing on addition, subtraction, multiplication, and fractions.

B) Tell me how to “Beat the Calculator” in simple language.

THANK YOU!

Dear Doc Nancy!

I’m so glad your back!

I hate the difference between the metric system and and the yards, inches and feet system, the so called “Salute the Queen System”. Everyday there is some problem, and I have to google it again. I just cant get it into my head, doc. Do you have a cool mnemonic for me, so I can convert it easily????

Thanks

Lil’P

Dear Krull,

A: you have to keep always in mind that multiplication and division goes before addition and subtraction, but that it is different, if the division is represented by fraction: for calculating

5-2

—-

3

you first substract 2 and then divide by 3. isn’t that strange?

B: Why do you want to beat the calculator? calculators are lovely little helpers which where invented to ease or lives. but since i take your worries very serious, i made some investigations: there is a “beat the calculator” nerd who is a regular guest on the german tv-show stern tv. his name is dr. dr. gert mittring. (none of his 2 phd’s is for mathematics, which indicates that it is no mathematician style to beat a calculator.) he even wrote a book about this issue: Was geht in uns vor, wenn wir rechnen? (What’s going on in our minds while we are calculating?). i have no idea what is going on in his mind but when i look at his pictures at his homepage http://www.mittring-fleiss.de i am sure that it’s something hilarious.

dear lil’P,

this is a really hard task. i did some heavy internet research but i couldn’t find any cool mnemonics about this. now i am fiercly trying to conceive one, myself. i need a bit more time. suggestions of other readers would be highly appreciated, of course.

Dear Doc Nancy,

People always say that “Money does not equal happiness.” I’m not sure if I believe them. Is there a mathematical proof or counter-proof to this theorem?

Thanks,

Graydon

omg, doc nancy, I just watched the new sabrina setlur video. I know she can do so much better. Still waiting for her next, Du liebst misch net.

hi graydon,

that’s a good one. people say right and i extend this theorem to “money does not equal happiness but it implies fun.” here is my proof:

part a: proof of “money does not equal happiness.”

there was this guy named kurt cobain who had tons of money but who commited suicide, i.e. he was not happy. thus the saying “money equals happiness” is wrong, hence the saying “money does not equal happiness.” is correct.

part b: proof of “money implies fun”

assume you have lots of money. than you can buy all the fashion you love, go partying and travel as much as you like. those 3 together yield fun.

q.e.d.

p.s.: the proof of the implication “fashion + partying + travelling => fun” is an easy one. please do it by yourself as homework.

UH! Dr. Dr. Gert Mittring … IÂ´m scared now! Yes I see your point – I somehow never feel easy when it comes to calculators and so I developed the idea to survive without – or even better be a human calculator … just without all those strange buttons with weird signs on them.

BUT still coming back to my first question – even when I messed up the order of operations – IS THERE A WAY TO CALCULATE THE SALVATION OF ALL or can we equate machines with happyiness

Anyway… thank you so much for your HELP!

K

dear krull,

being a bit helpless i did some more internet research. all sites which discuss the calculation of salvation of all where related to creepy christian fundamentalists. that’s why i don’t want to write down any urls here. but even none of them thinks that there exists such a thing. thus the answer is: probably no. but why are you looking for salvation. it is already great if you are lovely to the right people and fabulous in general. and for the latter a fancy calculator can definetly help. it can even upgrade a decollete, i daresay.

pandy: i havent forgotten your question and i am still thinking. what about eiche: aren’t you a poet? need help myself!

Dear Doc Nancy,

I’m not happy with my Internet connection at home. I pay $20 for “High-Speed Lite” or “Ultra Lite” or some shit like that, through Rogers (in Canada) but it is so fucking slow. I got a deal back in the day that they no longer offer so it’s hard to get it this cheap anymore. But IT’S SO SLOW, a movie might take three hours to download. All the providers say they offer “high speed” but often it’s not high-speed even though I might end up paying $80 per month. Is there some basic value of international broadband speed standards I can refer to? How do they even measure its value? Say if I wanted a Morse code service, how much would I have to pay for that?

Kevin

doc nancy: how about using some setlur poetry? – she be street, just like mois.

Dear Nancy! Thank you for your promt reply! I think you answered my question positively by telling me the answer was no – you are right!

â€œ[…] it is already great if you are lovely to the right people and fabulous in general.”

But WHO are the RIGHT ppl? ArenÂ´t they all?

“and for the latter a fancy calculator can definetly help. it can even upgrade a decollete […]”

OK OK IÂ´ll get one – whatÂ´s your opinion about the solar powered ones – are they generally recommended for the occasional calculator jeepers … I remember my brother using a very fancy red-disply one where you could stick some strange band into … that was 1980 or so ??? This one had ordinary batteries.

I really want one with true STYLE and not just an ordinary retro or hightech one! I have to do something good to my dekolletÃ©!

K

ok dear pandy,

i modified the lyrics of du liebst mich net, in order to remember the salute to the queen system easier. i hope you like it:

Es könntÂ´ mich nicht weniger interessieren

ob du inch bist oder yard

ob du foot bist oder league

ob du shackle heisst oder shot

mir gehtÂ´s am Arsch vorbei

du Wichser reiÃŸt mein Hirn in zwei

Millionen Teile aus Kopfrechnerei

so schwer wie Blei

meine Gedanken kreisen wie`n Adler

immer wieder um die selbe Kacke:

Wie geht das wohl, in metrisch

haben sie an mich gedacht

wie mich das kränkt

ich will doch nix geschenkt.

Chorus

Ein inch sind 2,54 Zentimeter

ein foot sind 12 inch

ein yard sind drei foot

und eine Meile 1,61 Kilometer

ein link sind 2,01 Dezimeter

ein rod 5,03 Meter

ein chain sind 4 rod

und ein furlong, das sind 10 chains.

dear kevin,

there are two possible reasons for your problem:

the first one is that you are using w-lan and some other guy is using your w-lan connection, too. i know a lady, let’s call her miss dr. n, who is surfing via her neighbors internet connection without them knowing. she can do so without any problems, because her neighbors are to stupid to install a password. (i am sure that you are not that stupid but someone just might hack in in your case.) when miss dr n is downloading a complete sabs setlur concert the connection is getting really slow for her neighbors, because it is occupied by miss dr n.

the other possible reason is that you are a busy boy and just have no patience. if so: just relax and enjoy your ultra lite connection. just remember the days of modems. those where really slow!

i have no idea what a morse code service might cost. i can recommend you to built a yoghurt cup phone system, instead. that would be for free.

xox

Thank you so much, doc!

This little rhyme will spring into my head every time i need to calculate – and it will remind me of my sweet hometown Rödelheim at the same time!

xxox

Lil’P

dear krull,

i should have better phrased: be lovely to all people except the wrong ones. it is up to you who you think to be wrong.

for looking fancy it doesn’t matter if it is a solar calculator or one with batteries. its look is important. good intention to try to find one with true style. pls let me know, when you found the right one.

dear lil’P,

i am glad you like it and it reminds of roedelheim. tonight i am going to a birthday in roedelheim, btw.

xox

yo baby baby

Busicom LE-120A “HANDY-LE”

hello DN,

what do you think of this one… iÂ´ll try to buy it because itÂ´s sexy and has very little knobs… is it cool? I think itÂ´s *HOT* mostly because of the string-thing and the name… BUSICOM itÂ´s so so so nice!!!

Look here:

http://www.vintagecalculators.com/html/busicom_le-120a___le-120s.html

Oh yes, dear krull, it’s almost sexual. go and buy it! i am glad, you take my advices so serious. you do well.

xox