I’m back from my long hours, days, months, well even years of fierce research in the field of mathematics. It was all worth it.

On Monday, during the presentation of my thesis, Concentration of Multivariate Random Recursive Sequences arising in the Analysis of Algorithms, the audience and the committee experienced infinite joy. They were in maths heaven.

I was very proud when I got my PhD.

To celebrate this wonderful event, I would like to share my bliss with you. It’s all about numbers. Numbers have been a companion through my darkest hours. Numbers have always been good to me.

So, I think it’s time for a mathematical life counseling session.

Send in your questions and problems. Don’t hesitate to shoot me an email if the trouble is about your love interest or sex life. Doc Nancy has been there, she can help from the mathematical point of view.

And please don’t forget, no matter how deep your worries are, there is always a formula at the end of every tunnel!

Fantastic DR Nancy

Congratulations to your PhD, Nancy! Please put your thesis online, it sounds fascinating! – Here’s my question: My CLP and I are seperated by 6346 km over a period of 52 days now. I weigh 60kgs, she weighs 60kgs + x (x being a secret number not to be mentioned) When shall we meet again, and what will the impact be?

this makes my day

dear physical,

thank you! i just arranged all the administrational stuff to put my thesis online in a few days. but let me answer your question, first:

assuming that you are into big girls, the number of days till you meet again should definetely be inversely proportional to the secret number x. i would suggest to wait 50/x more days till you meet again. if x is at least 50, the impact will be cuddly, chubby love. else if x is at least bigger than 10: stay patient – x is still expandable. else well at least be polite, please.

xxx

oh, my thesis is already online! you can find it here: http://publikationen.ub.uni-frankfurt.de/volltexte/…/dissertation.pdf

they just mixed something up with my name. can’t find “nancy” written anywhere. anyway, it’s my thesis!

xxx

i love minimax tree evaluation. congratulations!

dear doc nancy,

here Â´s my math problem:

i go in the city and take 100 euros with me. when i arrive back home, the 100 euros are gone !! please now that you have your phD you surely can help me with this !!! desperate, bobby

yes, i hope so, bobby: next time you go in the city only take 50 euros with you and make sure you have no credit card with you, too. first buy a huge pot of ice cream for about 20 euro. this will guarantee high spirits, even though there are only 30 euros left to spend.

Nancy, you need to start a math-related love advice column.

bin sprachlos, muÃŸ heulen vor Freude und Bewunderung!

bn =

4Î±

nÎ± EGn/4

4X

r=1

A(r) âˆ’

4Î±

nÎ± EGn.

hOOOOray! my deepest respect! but why is it in english???

english is the language of science, that’ the reason why. i wanted to give as many as possible people the opportunity to enjoy my thesis.

Dear Doc Nancy,

I need your help! In the near future, I’m going to become an Auntie to a little boy, but I can’t find a suitable name for him!!! What formula do perscribe to help me with my dilemma??

by the way, if i had a penny for every time my tail bounded for a wiener index, i’d be a millionaire…

xX

Oh Nancy thats sweet! I once read that the best language for math-talk / books is russian… is that true? But as I write these words I realize that I have a problem that I hope you will answer (I fear only you can!!!)

-kr-

Four mathematicians have the following conversation:

Alice, wearing a wig: I am insane.

Bob, bald: I am pure.

Charlie, blonde bimbo: I am applied.

Dorothy, Brunette afro: I am sane.

Alice: Charlie is pure. But blondes are bitchy!

Bob: Dorothy is insane. Who would wear an afro?

Charlie: Bob is applied. And his bald head outshines the sun!

Dorothy: Charlie is sane. Blonde and curly … aaah!

You are also given that:

Pure mathematicians tell the truth about their beliefs.

Applied mathematicians lie about their beliefs.

Sane mathematicians beliefs are correct.

Insane mathematicians beliefs are incorrect.

Describe the four mathematicians And Tell me how you Like their names and hairstyles.

Oh Dearest Doc Nancy!!! First of all, I love your hat and Diorlywood!!!!

And here is my problem:

There is a lesbian party with about 800 chicks but only Melissa Etheridge Remixes all night long. Same time there is also a gay party with produzentin spinning the records but zero lesbians. I don`t no what to do?????

By the way, no lesbian would join me because of the number 800, you know what I mean. And please, don`t tell me to convince them, it`s useless, we`re talking about the most stubbern butch species on earth. Please help.

great, more questions!

first of all, let me answer bitz question, because that’s the easiest one: you just have to spread the rumor among the 800 lesbians, that the beer at prodi party only costs 1/2 of the price it costs at the lesbian party. you just have to make sure that you will be early enough at prodi party, since the party might be crowded VERY EARLY.

dear krull,

as an applied mathematician i know for sure that applied mathematicians do not lie about their beliefs! anyway, assuming all your informations would be correct the description of the mathematicians is the following:

if alice would be insane she wouldn’t belief it correctly and wouldn’t say it. thus she must be applied, since she claims to be insane against her beliefs. (of course one could say, that she might be pure, since it is not said that pure’s beliefs are always correct but i think with this, we would go a bit too far. but it wouldnt lead to a contradiction. i checked it.) hence charlie is not pure. but he is not applied, either, since he would’t claim being so, then. thus, he must be insane and only beliefs that he would be applied. his belief that bob is applied, is incorrect, too. so, bob is pure, just as he sais, and we all know that pures tell the truth. he must be right, when he sais that dorothy is insane. and no wonder, she beliefs incorrectly that she and charlie were sane.

but now to the more important question about their hairstyles: i just love afros and wigs. so these are my favorites.

please hold on, mary. i didn’t forget your question. but it is a really tough one and i have to think even harder about the answer. but it will come!

xxx

dear mary,

the formula for your nephew’s name i suggest is the following:

take the number x of years that you are old. enumerate your myspace friends’ profiles from 1 to x. if the x-th profil belongs to a drag queen, a girl or a comic character: give him this name. else, just call him mary II, so he will never forget who is mary I, the real messhausen!

Dear Nancy!

Congratulations to your PhD! I still remember the talk at the University, you gave last year, it was splendid!

HereÂ´s my problem:

All my friends tell me, that IÂ´m fat. When I was a child, I was the slimmest child you could imagine, but with proceeding age, I gain weight. Will this go on till I die? My weight is around 82 Kilograms (with 35 years of age), will it be 164 Kilograms when IÂ´m 70?

Do you have a Math-Diet-Formula for me?

All my love

CLaude

THANK YOU!!! You really earn a PHD! Maybe even a double something like a MEGAPHD! IÂ´m just a humble worker but you are beyond! I would love to see you in an Afro-Wig someday! PS: Alice is my favorite!

dear claude,

unfortunately i have to tell you that if you go on like this you will weigh 164 kilograms when you are 70. your calculations are absolutely correct.

but don’t worry i do have a maths diet i can recommend. eat nothing but bunte zahlen nudeln – http://www.kaesewelten.de/product_info.php?cPath=95&products_id=175 –

and have loads of calculation fun during the meals. this will distract you from all the delicious food. and don’t buy any cheese, marmelade, honey or chocolate from that site!

@ krull: indeed i have a blonde afro wig. maybe i should wear it again some day. great idea!